Lost

I can't fucking stand this. I've spend the past year of my life developing some of the best friendships I could imagine. Now, they're gone. Sure, I'll see them on break and yes I can talk to them on facebook, but I can't actually hang out with them. I can no longer stay up till 3am talking about nothing. I can't maintain and develop inside jokes and go days without the slightest bit of smalltalk. I can't trust anybody to be the true friends to me that I've had for the past several months. I fucking have no friends and it sucks balls. Yeah, I got people I can talk to, yeah, I got people I can hang out with, yeah, I have fun here and there, but I'll never had what I had but five days ago.

Where do I go from here? When I went into high school, I had no true friends and despite being oblivious to this, I kept going along thinking I had some. I took years to develop true friendships. Fuck, I didn't hang out with anybody until sophomore year. At least in high school, I was forced into social circumstances and I knew what I was doing here and there. I can't tell you how fucking sick I am of telling people my major and where I'm from. Holy shit, will it ever end? I don't want to talk smalltalk for the rest of my life.

How'd I get my good friendships? Well, one of them more or less came from talking about band and school and a girl. Another friend came from being friends with the first, and another friend came from a friend of mine dating her. I'm not in band anymore, so there's one tally erased from the board, though I don't know if that's from the column that records pros or cons. I guess I could talk about my classes, but the only classes I care about are ones that are basically sophomore classes that I shouldn't be in and I feel really arrogant when I let people know where I'm at. It takes no Plato to figure that hanging out with my friends' girlfriends is a bad idea. For that matter, I have so few fucking friends that none of my friends even have significant others.

I have no friends and I don't know how to make them. Fuck, I don't want to make them. I want the ones I had. I'm fucking lost. Somebody help me.

Of Baseball And Steriods

As with sports in general, baseball rarely catches my interest, but I occassionally come by things that I can't not say anything about. This steriod scandal that's been happening for the past decade or so in the sport has almost reached the point of absurdity. I just watched David Ortiz's press conference; rumor had it his name was on a list of people that tested positive for steriods in 2003. Mr. Ortiz talked for a few minutes and denied any allegations that he took drug and then Michael Weiner, MLB Players' Union Chief, talked for longer and ran the media through every hoop possible to try and make the claim that the list meant nothing and that nobody knows anything about who tested what for what. I thought about it for a second and realized what the MLB is, has been, and will try to do. It is obvious that a number of big-name players are in the mud of this scandal. If the MLB did the logical thing by finding out who took the PEDs and punishing them, (I'm assuming they would be off the diamond for quite some time) the league would lose a very substantial portion of its following. Without star players, ticket sales will plummet and ESPN will have to find some other summer sport to fill the months with. I don't claim to know everything about the sport, but I'd be willing to wager that if overall ticket sales fell 10-20%, a few troubled teams and/or stadiums would go under. Instead of letting this happen, the MLB will draw this all out for attention and end up letting the big names off the hook so as to not lose fan support.