Two

I've been doing it for a while now, but only realized it yesterday. I've been living a double life for months now - my college life and my home life. I don't do things drastically differently between them and I hope that I act similar, but my only true friends, however few, are at home. I felt the most homesick I ever have in my life yesterday, even though I spent most of the fall semester away. I really don't want to keep doing this, but I can't sacrifice either. Next August might be awful.

Light

I feel that I am at a crossroads in my life. As with most things, I view the future with a positive light, but I'm not too sure that that perspective is justified. I don't mean to imply that I don't see that life is worth living or anything, but I intend to lower my expectations slightly. Firstly, with my summers being devoted to important things, I'll have about 6 or so weeks off during the year before I get a full-time and perhaps fewer than that starting out my professional career. Living the 5-day week life has been sustainable for now, but I don't know how long that will last, particularly because of how college life is structured differently than the job-going life.

I don't know why I'm even typing. Nobody will read this and I don't even feel I'm going anywhere. Ok.

Back

So I suppose it is evident by now that this blog has an audience of one, and that is me. Its creation was purposeless and it seems that all I'll use it for now my pointless pansy ramblings to myself sprinkled with the occasional depressed shit, all the while being pretentious as fuck.

Today I changed how I felt about a person. I always thought this person was kind at heart and worthy of my trust, but today I decided otherwise. This person felt like going behind my back and telling stories about how lame I am to people that I live near but haven't met yet, so that knocks out any potential friendships with them based on their biased first impressions of me. It is inevitable that somebody talks down to me behind my back but kindly to me, but I perhaps would be happier with myself if I wasn't aware of it. I mean really, if you're going to talk shit about me to the guy in the dorm right next to me while my door's open, shut his door first. Should you decide to be a bitch, at least be a slightly competent one and hide it from your victim.

Home

After just short of two months away at school, my best friend and I returned home for a weekend. It isn't over yet, but I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. My family loves me and I know that, I have a few good friends still here. Its not that I didn't want to come home, its that today I'm revisiting a past self that I've wanted to disassociate myself from. I felt like sleeping in my own bed last night turned back time two months and I'm still a high school graduate wondering what college life is like. I feel so dynamic and my location feels equally dynamic. I know this sounds pretentious, but it really is what I feel. I know that college life still includes time spent at home, but part of me doesn't want that, probably because I almost feel like my own person now.

Matter Of Belief

I hear the phrase "I don't believe in global warming" from time to time and it has a tendency to grind my gears. Look, I understand how you don't want to be independent of foreign sources of oil and you don't want to tax industries that pump shit into our lungs, but to simply deny that humans have had any effect on our environment is a very naive way to go about opposition to logic. Perhaps it has something to do with the Los Angeles and Mexico City pollution clouds not venturing to Iowa or rising sea levels not affecting our relationship with the ocean a thousand miles away. I suppose they can back up their ignorance, but out of that same ignorance comes their lack of a right to claim knowledge of the status of global ecosystem.

Untitled

So I went to church today for the first time in a very, very long time. Or at least it seemed like a time ago, I think its only been about 4 months, but considering all that's happened in my life recently, that's quite some time. What made it different this time is that I actually went on my own free will. I've been in college 6 weeks without going and nobody was stopping me from sleeping in till noon each Sunday. Except for a few fleeting moments, I've never actually wanted to go to church. I've always just gone so as to minimize guilt, and when I didn't go, I found some way to justify my absence.

It was more or less uneventful with a few nice tidbits sprinkled in. I was thoroughly impressed with the facilities. The place was either new or very well-kept and the parish area had an interesting design that put the altar in the middle of it all instead of at one end. It achieved a bit of a fresh and personal vibe that I dug. The only bad thing was that it was parent's weekend at school so the place was packed and flow in and out of the building was tricky.

The rest of the mass was little more than a series of slight variations on the Catholic mass that I grew up on. A few of the memorized lines were altered in terms of words, though their meanings didn't change. The pastor seemed younger by more than age, which was nice, and it seems the parish was half-student led.

I'd like to believe that it will be significantly different than my Catholic church of past, but I can't be too sure. I don't know what my future holds for this church, but I intend to return next weekend.

Of News

So I've been away at college for 3 weeks now and I'm really surprised about how big of a deal this whole transition isn't. Maybe there's something that's going to hit me soon, but I seem to be missing something. Or perhaps its because my parents gave me plenty of freedom while growing up, especially in my later years as a high schooler. Last year, I'd wake up, get ready and such, go to school, come home, waste time, and repeat. Nothing more really seems to be happening. I've been doing a hell of a lot more work this year than I did last year, but I have access to predominantly the same activities I was interested in before. I can still do anything I want on my computer (except for use bittorrent), I can still go to the gym, and I can still hang out with my friends when I want (well, not the friends I actually want to, but that's aside the point). I suppose it is surreal having an empty wallet and getting by easily, but the school essentially provides what I need and most of the freedom to do what I want.

Oh the flipside, there's nothing to do here, which will probably get old unless I develop a mass time-consuming hobby. Video games come to mind, but I'd really like pass my classes and not be everybody else who failed Physics 221 because of COD4. Chess seems like a suitable pasttime.